We Are the Watts: My True Religion

Thursday, January 8, 2009

My True Religion

For those of you who know me at all you may recall that I am a devout follower of The Colbert Report and The Daily Show. I nearly went crazy during the two weeks they were off the air over the holidays. But they are back and the Colbert Report had this little gem last night.

The 53rd installment of the 434 part series "Better Know a District" - Utah's 3rd - Jason Chaffetz. Stay tuned to the end when Stephen and Jason do the "Mormon leg wrestle." Good stuff:

The Colbert ReportMon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c

Better Know a District - Utah's 3rd - Jason Chaffetz

Colbert at Christmas
Colbert Christmas DVD

Green Screen
Bill O'Reilly Interview

1 comment:

Cody said...: HAH! this slayed me. Colbert cracks me up.; January 10, 2009 at 9:23 PM

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Comedy Corner

Jack calls fly swatters "fly slaughters"... fitting
Jack, eating saltines, "Are these wood with salt on it?"
Jack, "My teacher told us a bad word." Me, "Hmmmm... what one?" Jack, "Cut-that-out."
At Natural Gardener Jack asked, "Are they called Venis Flytraps or Penis Flytraps?" You can't make this stuff up
Jack, watching the US/Swiss hockey game, "Which team is Texas"
Jack: What's a "witch's stand?" I said I had no idea, "Then why is it in the Pledge of Allegiance?" (It took me a minute ...and to the republic for which it stands)
Jack, to me, "When I'm a grown-up you don't have to give me ALL of your money... just some of it."
We were standing in back of a very buxom lady and Jack looks up at me and wispers (thank heavens) "Do you think she KNOWS she has a big bum?" Yea, I'm sure it has crossed her mind
AJ (commenting on an little bible Jack made at school) "Where did this Holy Bible come from?" / Jack, "It's mine, I wrote the Holy Bible."
Jack, "Is my shirt in the dryer or the wetter?"
Jack: I wish I was a grown up. / Me: Why's that? / Jack: So I could say bad words.
Jack describing his dream last night, "I was trying to get the circle-thing off my head (halo) and it got twisted up on my hand and Jesus was laughing at me."
Jack – "Pretend there's lawn mowers in my hands...no I mean tree-knocker-downers...what are they called? Me – "Chainsaws."
We were all cleaning up on Saturday, Jack was doing his best avoiding notice. Finally Brett told him to gather up the shoes and put them in the basket. Jack rolled his eyes, "Do I have to do EVERYTHING around here?" There was one pair of shoes on the floor...his.
A friend complimented the kids on their cool hoodie towels, and I said, "Thanks, my sister-in-law made them for their birthdays." AJ looked at me like I was clearly having brain problems and said, "Aunt Shauna made them, not your sister-in-law."
Jack: "I want to get a frisbee, but not the kind of frisbee you play with...the kind of frisbee you eat." He meant slurpee
Homer, Mr. Burns and Smithers are stranded in a lifeboat and beginning to look ragged. AJ asks "What is it called when they start to get a hairy face?" Jack answers (matter of factly) "Handsome."
AJ asked how much a million dollars is. I tried to explain how large a number it is. Obviously I was not very effective. After listening, AJ said, "Oh, I think Ginger has 2 million dollars." I said, "Oh ya, how did she get so much?" "Probably gift cards and stuff."
Our chapter of Little House on the Prarie tonight was titled "Antelope" and was all about an antelope hunt. After fifteen minutes or so of reading AJ asked, "But how can cantaloupe run?"
Two men came to the house today to repair our microwave. I sat outside and watched the kids riding bikes while they were making a racket in the kitchen. AJ said, "You're lucky...all the other grown ups are working at thier jobs, and you're just sitting here."
Jack woke up this morning with a "sword throat"
Primary leader: On Christmas during Joseph Smith's day they often ate goose and venison" / Jack (wispered to me): "Gross! They ate shoes and medicine!"
Last night at dinner AJ informed us that "if we were British we would celebrate Hanukkah"
AJ wanted to play a prank on her cat on "July-tricking-day" (April fools day)
Jack: Do shelves have eyes or do they just look at you while you sleep? / Me: What?!? / Jack: AJ said the shelves watch you while you're sleeping to see if your good or bad..........he meant elves
Jack's favorite number: Peyton
AJ wants Obama to win the election becasue, "he would be the first Mexican-American to be President."
Driving home from school Thurs – Jack: We had chapel today. Me: Oh ya, what did you talk about? Jack: The man told us God created the sun and squirrels and after he says 'God is good' we clap.
Jack drew all over an outdoor table and the windowframe with sharpie. When I got mad he said, "It was an accident... Accidents happen!"
From Peyton (Jack's best pal) walking to school this morning regarding his umbrella, "My mom said it is only for emergencies – like fighting crime...or if it starts raining."
As we were driving home from preschool today I could see Jack drifting off to sleep in my mirror, I said, "Jack, keep your eyes open." Obediently he popped his eyes wide open. He was completely silent for about 2 minutes, then he said in a stressed voice, "But I really need to blink!"
AJ kept asking me if she could play with the "Baby Einstein" decoration. I didn't have a clue what she was talking about so I had her show me–it was Frankenstein.
I had to get dressed up for a formal dinner at Brett's school and I wore mascara (I don't wear make-up very often) and AJ asked, "Are you going to a Halloween party?"
Putting Jacks shoes on he said, "AJ calls them squeekers, but they are supposed to be tennis shoes." (sneakers)
Just now we went grocery shopping and this nice older man was bagging our groceries. He said, "Thanks kids for helping your mom." AJ shrugged her shoulders and said, "We didn't help at all."
We were watching the news and they mentioned John McCain (this was when Hurricane Ike was on the way) and Jack said, "It's not John McCain, it's hurr-i-cane."
Jack was telling me about how he and AJ were wrestling, "Me and AJ were fighting but we weren't in a "fighting ball" (like in a cartoon)
I was ironing Brett a shirt for church and Jack asked, "Why does Papa love hot shirts?"
Jack calls freckles "sprinkles"
Jack sat down to dinner a few nights ago and said, "This dinner is too apple-y and pizza-y" – it was pizza and apples
I was telling the kids that we used to have an african grey parrot when I was a kid, and when Brett got home Jack told him, "Mama used to have a freakin' grey parrot."
Jack took a sip of soda and choked a little and started coughing, he said, "This soda has cough-ine" (caffine)
A few days ago Jack asked for "internet cheerios" for breakfast (honey-nut cheerios)
A Jackie-whuppin' is a flick (particularly funny because he is a really weak flicker)